Talks of Heaven and Hell and everything in between

I've been thinking about Heaven a lot lately.  Just wondering about it.

No, that's not quite right.  I've been thinking about my mom a lot lately.  As she's with Jesus now, I've been wondering a lot about Heaven, too.  As it turns out, I had a lot of misconceptions and generalizations.  I guess I've kind of Hollywood-ized Heaven in my mind.

Thad and I recently sat down for a meal with our pastor and his awesome family to discuss some questions I had.  What followed was an amazing time filled with laughter but also enlightenment.  Isn't it great when you have a mentor like that--one that really knows the heart of Christ, and will take the time to help you grow your faith?

Well, I got to pass a little bit of that enlightenment on today.  Maybe I can be a mentor, too?

I had my niece and nephew over for the afternoon today.  They are three and five years old right now, and a couple of my favorite people on this good earth.  It was a beautiful day out, so instead of video games, we decided to take a blanket out to the front yard and have some together time.  We're not very good at just sitting, so we played some games, we found shapes in the clouds, we pretended, and we talked, talked, talked.

One thing that has been heavy on my nephew's mind is his Grandma Nancy, who went to be with the Lord last June.  As you can see from the picture, they had a wonderful relationship!  As it happens, we talked about Grandma Nancy which led to talk about Heaven which led to talk about Heaven vs. Hell and how you get to either place which led to talk about God and Jesus and sin and forgiveness.  Guess who is super thankful she just had a crash course/refresher on Heaven?  This aunt here!

I'm not sure that I did or said everything right, but it kept their interest for about 45 minutes.  But seriously, I have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to witnessing to a five-year-old!  I especially thought I was bumbling it when we had the following conversation towards the end:

My niece: I don't like God.
Me: Why?
My niece: He's mean.
My nephew: Oh man, she's going to Hell!

I gotta tell you, it was hard to keep a straight face.  In fact, I didn't even try.  We talked for a little while longer on this subject, and then moved on to other things.

I called my brother later this evening to tell him what we talked about, just in case he had to field some questions he wasn't expecting.  He said that after he picked the kiddos up, just before they got home, my nephew said:

"We need to always listen to God.  We should talk to Him every day."

And there's your lesson for the day.  Straight from the mouth of a five-year-old.

Not to toot my own horn, but I can't tell you how glad I am that some of what I said made sense.  That even if he got nothing else out of our conversation, he understood that amazing principal.  My little auntie heart is full to bursting!

Dear Wils

Dear Wils,

When I started this blog, I was thinking that I would chronicle our adoption journey.  And I've done that to some extent.  But part of our adoption journey is my journey into motherhood, which you might find interesting one day.  (I figure you'll be totally embarrassed by this as a teenager, but someday, if you get to be a daddy, maybe this will mean something to you!)

You see, you freaked me out.  Hardcore.  I've expressed it a little bit before, but before I actually met you, and after we were matched with your birth parents, my logic and my emotions parted ways.

Intellectually, I knew that I wouldn't be a perfect mom, but there was no reason I couldn't be a good mom, or even a great mom.  I knew that from a needs standpoint (food, water, shelter, love), your needs would be well met.  I knew you would change my life completely.

But then the emotions kicked in.  I put all kinds of pressure on myself.  I knew that there would be times when I would break your heart, and you would break mine (it hasn't happened yet, of course...knock on wood).  I knew that I would love you eclipsingly, so if something happened with the adoption or to you, it would break me.  I never worried about dropping you on your head, but about messing up as a mom in so many other ways.

I could go on and on, but even I think it's kinda boring.

When I met you everything changed.  I settled down and realized that you were the reason my life had followed this path.  You were the reason my parents adopted me, why I went to MidAmerica Nazarene University instead of Seattle Pacific University, why I've never moved away from my hometown even though I've experienced awful personal tragedy there, why I met and fell in love with your daddy.  All of that happened so that I could be here when it was time to start the adoption process, which led me to you.  I believe that God had you in mind for me all along.  That's a lot of pressure to put on your little shoulders, I know, but I don't expect you to feel the same way.  Maybe you'll get it if/when you're a daddy.

I do know that now, I freaking love being your mom.  Yeah, it's not easy.  I mean, you're not exactly the perfect baby any more than I'm the perfect mom.  But who wants a robot for a kid?

Here are some of my favorite things:

I love that no matter what's going on, or who's got you, when I enter the room you wriggle around until you can make eye contact.  Maybe you do that with everyone, but it feels pretty special to me.  And it's the cutest thing ever.

I love how you sprouted teeth early.  I used to think your toothless grin was the cutest thing ever, but then your first tooth broke through on 9/13/2012 and your second on 9/23/2012.  And now I think your toothful grin is the cutest thing ever.

I love how you wake up happy in the morning.  I go into your room to get you up and about, and you do a little pushup so that you can smile at me very sleepily.  And it's the cutest thing ever.

I love how you talk to your feet, just so that you can hear the sound of your own voice.  It's the cutest thing ever.

I love how you like to shout and smile at the same time in your johnny jumper.  It's the cutest thing ever.

I frequently take you, some toys and your lunch into my bed for some special cuddle time.  I love how you smile so big it takes up your whole face.  Then, when I climb into bed beside you, you reach for my face and wriggle your little body around until you're plastered right up against me.  Then you're content to take your bottle or play with your toys.

And, you guessed it, it's the cutest thing ever.

I love you more than I can express, baby boy!
--Mommy

A Secret Weapon for Parents

My boy is getting SO big! *sniff*

It's hard to believe that he was ever not able to hold his head up on his own!  Now he does push ups!  He wore one newborn sized outfit, but now he's in 9 months clothes (and he's only 4.5 months)!

Now, don't let the serenity of this picture fool you.  That's really just an exhausted mama--enjoying a cuddle yes, but all too ready to pass out at the same time.  It's not that he has been a difficult baby--we're just first time parents.  We still have to repress the inclination to jump when he makes the slightest noise.  We're getting better at doing things one handed, but we're by no means pros.

Despite everything we may be doing wrong, we have discovered a secret weapon.  I'm going to share it with you.  I guess that makes it just a weapon?  Whatever.  Here goes.

The Cathedrals.

Yep, you read it right, The Cathedrals are our secret weapon.  Do you remember them?  They're kind of like a southern gospel barbershop quartet.  They were my daddy's favorite group--honestly, I love the Cathedrals because they link me to my dad.  I have such fond memories of singing along with Daddy as he drove down the street.  But they are seriously old school!  I'm not sure how it came up, but Nikki and I were talking one day, and discovered that our dads had this in common.  She had a couple of songs on her iPhone, so of course we had to start listening to them!

About this time, Wilson started to get really fussy.  As soon as he heard "The Rocks Shall Not Cry Out", he settled down.  And that worked every time.  We took the following video as proof!

A Lump in My Throat

Well, it's been anything but normal around the Cole Cabana lately. Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up. (Gotta love The Princess Bride!)

1. On April 18, our son Wilson was born. I had a hard time coming to terms with my impending motherhood.  While I wanted to become a mom in theory, actually being a mom freaked me out.  I mean, I'm not willing to teach violin lessons because it's too much responsibility--what if I screwed my students up, rather than helped them?  It's an exponentially greater risk when you're talking about being a mom!  Thankfully, I have a wonderful support system, and Wilson's birth mother was able to see through my freaked-out-ed-ness to my heart.  And now, when my heart beats, it says "Wilson".

2. When Wilson was three weeks old, my mom came to live with us for a while.  She had open heart surgery in March, was in the hospital for the entire month of March, and still needed quite a bit of help.  I stayed with her at her house at the beginning of April until her brother was able to come and stay with her for a while.  Then, when he had to go back home to Idaho (a few days after Wilson was born), she went to stay with my older brother for a while.  After about three weeks, my older brother had to travel extensively for work, so that's when my mom came to live with us.  She lived with us for close to a month, and I'm so glad because:


3. My mom passed away on June 6 after two heart attacks.  This part is so hard for me to write.  She was only 65, but she'd been a widow for 10 years.  She hated having to be dependent upon her kids.  Between all of her diagnoses and syndromes and open heart surgery, she was constantly tired and in pain.  I hated seeing her like that, and she hated living like that.  Her only spot of joy was when she got to see her grandkids.  Based on all that (and the fact that I know without a doubt that she's in heaven), it's extremely selfish of me to wish her back here with me.  But I do.  I miss my buddy.

These things all combine to create a constant lump in my throat.  I was listening to a Brandi Carlile song the other day, and I discovered I was not able to sing through said lump.  Which breaks my heart yet again because singing and music gets me through heartache.   Incidentally, I was listening to the song Pride and Joy, which strikes a chord in me right now.  The chorus goes:

Where are you now?
Do you let me down?
Do you make me grieve for you?
Do I make you proud?
Do you get me now?
Am I your pride and joy?


Here's another song for you.  We played this at my mom's funeral.  This video is priceless to me--I'm so glad I got it!

NikkiAnne Lolita

I'm gonna start introducing you to my family.  First up is not our new son, but someone he's gonna spend a lot of time with.

This is Nikki.  I call her NikkiAnne Lolita (because I'm weird like that).  She was adopted twice--once by her parents, and then another time (informally) by our family.  She has an incredible story--I'll see if she'll post it on here someday.

She dotes on Wilson--she calls him either Squirt or Mister-Mister (in baby talk).  She's a pro at changing diapers, heating up bottles, and she comes over on Wednesday nights to take care of Wilson so Thad and I can sleep.  Sounds pretty great, right?

She's also a bad influence on me, though--she's my piercing and tattoo buddy.  We are really good at coming up with some bad ideas!

A Rose By Any Other Name

I talked in another post about how we have a long list of names.  My favorite is Mira Cole, but there are quite a few doozies!  Can you come up with any we haven't listed?

Barney Cole (barnacle)
Black Cole (black hole)
Clavy Cole (clavicle)
Cuba Cole (cubicle)
Cutie Cole (cuticle)
Cy Cole (cycle)
Cyny Cole (cynical)
Eunice I. Cole (unicycle)

Far Cole (farkle)
Fick Cole (fickle)
Folly Cole (follicle)
I. Sick Cole (icicle)
Mechany Cole (mechanical)
Methody Cole (methodical)
Mira Cole  (miracle)
My Cole  (Michael)
Nick Cole (Nichole)
Obsty Cole (obstacle)
Ora Cole (oracle)
Party Cole (particle)
Pick Cole (pickle)
Pop Sick Cole (popsicle)
Rady Cole (radical)
Recepty Cole (receptacle)
Ring Cole (wrinkle)
Sick Cole (sickle)
Sir Cole (circle)
Spring Cole (sprinkle)
Tabernack Cole (tabernacle)
Tenta Cole (tentacle)
Testy Cole (testicle)
Theology Cole (theological)
Tick Cole (tickle)
Trick Cole (trickle)
Un Cole (uncle)
Ventra Cole (ventricle)

I'm Just a Girl Going through the Process of Adoption

So.  As much as I enjoy working in a male-dominated profession and get along best with guys, it turns out I'm still a girl. Stereotypically prone to bouts of irrationality and mind changing.  I proved that point last week when I cried (I'm talking buckets of tears) on my boss when he questioned my logic behind a bit of code--he wasn't even being mean!  Poor guy--he had no idea what to do with me!

Do guys understand about the benefits of a good crying jag?  I think I had gone much too long without one!

And what has me so stressed out?  I'll tell you what.  It's a really exciting thing!

See what I mean?  We're going nuts!

We had our home study yesterday.  Whew!  I'm telling you, Thad and I were total wrecks.  We had to have EVERYTHING cleaned, and all started projects completed.  You know, because the social worker was going to walk through our house with the white gloves checking for specks of dust.

Then of course, she was totally cool.  It was two-and-a-half hours of being interviewed, and five minutes of showing her the house.  But, our house is totally clean.  And the home study visit is over.  *sigh of relief*

I have projects to post, but I need better pictures.  Also, I want to post some pics of my craft room, or girl cave, since it's actually clean.  It may never be so clean again!

In-Laws and Out-Laws

I've made mention of my in-laws before--they're really the ideal in-laws.  Supportive but not meddling and sweet as all get out (even if my father-in-law is on the ornery side).  Here's an example video:

Aren't they cute?  This video was shot at a talent show at their church.

Standing there, smiling

We got to take some family pictures for our adoption book recently, and I wanted something fun.  We started out with the "standing there, smiling" poses, and then moved on to dancing and karate.  It was hilarious, and I was very happily surprised at how well everyone joined in.  No one was worried about feeling or looking stupid, and we ended up with some great pics!  Here's my favorites:

Bust a move!

A little lightning, a little thunder

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas!

Oh, how I love Pinterest--it's my anti-drug!  Or something like that.  :)

Right now, I'm going through my pins to see what I should craft up next.  I'm determined to spend as little as possible for Christmas this year.  I have a good head start on Thad's side of the family...but I can't post about that until after Christmas.  You know, just in case.

Here are the current front-runners for what I should make next.  Any input?  (After posting the options, I realized that I must REALLY be wanting to make something little!)

This adorable jacket for a little girl.





















This one would be a much belated new baby gift.  But how funky are these mustache binkies?  They'd be super easy too...just use some felt and hot glue!

My sister-in-law is going to pop in November, and they have little owls on the walls in the nursery.  How awesome would these be in colors that coordinate with the room?

These would be so fun for my nephew.  Or for the previously mentioned belated baby gift.

And last, but not least, this would be really cute for my sisters-in-law, so that they could record every single cute thing their kiddos say!

Yeah, I can't decide which one to do...guess I'll just have to do them all!

Where I Say Goodbye to Bleu

So, I initially said that I was going to use this blog as a public diary of sorts.  Something awful happened recently, and I then decided that I wasn't going to blog about it--no one wants to hear me whining about life!  But then, what kind of diary is that?

So here goes.  I'm gonna whine.  Skip this post if you don't want to hear about it.

We had to put our dog down the other day (9/6/2011).  I'll be honest--I'm both torn up and relieved.  She was 11 years old, and had recently (within the last couple of years) developed a debilitating fear of thunderstorms and "unexplained" loud noises.  Like the woodpecker in our back yard.  When she was scared, she'd tear up our house.  It was hard not to resent her when we had to rip up half of our newly laid music room flooring and replace it because she'd scratched it up.

But then she'd do something sweet and cute, like bring her ball over to play.  I loved kissing her little snow nose--she'd only put up with that for a very little while.  When she was younger, we'd play keep-away.  When we got going fast she'd literally do flips to try and get the ball.

I'm going to miss having a companion in my craft room to trip over, her surprise jumps on the bed for a cuddle, and the way she'd sneak into my bathroom to make sure I wasn't drowning in the tub during an extra long bath.  I'm going to miss her sassy attitude and low, growly howls.

But it's not all bad.  I'm not going to miss having a house full of white dog fur because she shed all the time.  (Siberian Husky--need I say more?)  I'm going to look forward to the next thunderstorm, since she won't be scared anymore.  I'm going to rent a carpet shampooer, and appreciate not having unidentified dog messes everywhere.  And maybe I'll get a rabbit, since Bleu won't be around to eat it.

And, I'm thankful for the reminder that life, whether you're canine or human, is fleeting.  You've got to grab every opportunity to kiss your loved ones on the nose while you can.

What I really want to say is goodbye, baby girl.  I loved you well.

R.I.P Sacre Bleu (5/26/2000 - 9/6/2011)